The Proust Questionnaire is a monthly feature in the magazine Vanity Fair. So, for this posting, the Colored Man decided to interview Rick Santorum and get his answers to a few Proust questions. Now I must admit that Mr. Santorum's response to all of my questions was, "no comment" so I was forced to provide answers that I thought he might give to the questions. So here goes.
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Fooling my fellow Republican voters, and making them think that Americans will vote for my crazy ass to be president. That, and being everyone's God and morality dictator.
What is your greatest fear?
Having to relinquish the key to my daughters chastity belts when they get married.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Well, Colored Man, I can't just chose just one, so I have a few. Hitler, because he was crazier than I will ever be allowed to be. Sadaam Hussein, because he killed all of the infidels, which is something that I would like to do here in America, and finally, anyone who didn't go to college, because college brainwashes students.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Purchasing birth control pills for my wife, since she has a medical condition and needs them for her health. But I do use my health insurance to cut down on the cost.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Talking incessantly and not knowing when to shut-up. I usually just can't answer a question with a simple response. I have a tendency ro go on and on, and really express my true feelings and beliefs, which makes me look ignorant. America has a president whose theology is devilish, and colleges brain- wash students, and sometimes you have to go along with the team, even when you don't agree. I don't know why i wear sweater-vests, but they make me look sexy. Speaking of sex, people should only have sex when they want to have a baby. People should home-school their children. My grandfather was a coal miner, so I am a coal miner's son. Believe it or not, I went to law school. And black people shouldn't be on food stamps. I am like Mitt Romney, I believe that corporations are people, and I don't care about the poor either. See how I just go on and on.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Having an open mind.
On what occasion do you lie?
Whenever I am talking about President Barack Obama.
What is your greatest regret?
That I allowed Dan Savage to define my name, before I had a chance to define it. You can visit http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/ to read how he defines me. He is actually not very far off the mark to be honest.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Anyone who wants their country back.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The talent to lead this country as president.
What is your current state of mind?
Crazy, neurotic, psychotic....definitely in need of some medication. Can birth control pills help me?
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Well, my wife and I have perfected the "rhythm" method pretty well, which is why we have seven children, and my wife had her last child at age 48. Your rhythm gets better as you get older. I know first-hand that birth control should be illegal. Not getting pregnant is all about the rhythm and women keeping an aspirin between their knees.
What is your most treasured possession?
The keys to my daughters chastity belts.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
I can only imagine that it will be on January 21, 2013, as I sit at home and watch President Obama being inagurated for a second term. The world will be safe for four more years.
Where would you like to live?
Now Colored Man, that is a silly question. You know where I would like to live, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Northwest, Washington, DC. We all have dreams, right? Do you know any genie's that grant wishes?
What is your favorite occupation?
Being the stuff that Dan Savage said I was. That, and being a world-class fool.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My pearly-white teeth.
Who are your favorite writers?
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. The only book that I have read since law school, is the Bible. All other books were written by unholy people, who are a bunch of devils.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My 3-year old daughter, Isabella, who has Edwards Syndrome, a genetic disorder that gives her about a 10% life span after one year. When the doctors told my wife and I that our fetus had some serious problems that would be life-threatening, we chose to continue on with the pregnancy, rather then sit down like millions of American parents do everyday and make a private decision to abort the fetus. Instead we went ahead and gave birth to a child who doesn't live the most optimal level of life. What else could we do? We don't believe in abortion even in the case of rape and incest.
What are your favorite names?
Barack, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha. Oh, I almost forgot one....Bo.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A piece of toilet paper or tissue that would be used to clean up santorum.
What is your motto?
I got rhythm, I got rhythm, I got rhythm, who could ask for anything more.
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