The Proust Questionnaire: Rick Santorum

The Proust Questionnaire is a monthly feature in the magazine Vanity Fair.  So, for this posting, the Colored Man decided to interview Rick Santorum and get his answers to a few Proust questions.  Now I must admit that Mr. Santorum's response to all of my questions was, "no comment" so I was forced to provide answers that I thought he might give to the questions.  So here goes.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Fooling my fellow Republican voters, and making them think that Americans will vote for my crazy ass to be president.  That, and being everyone's God and morality dictator.
What is your greatest fear?
Having to relinquish the key to my daughters chastity belts when they get married.
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Well, Colored Man, I can't just chose just one, so I have a few.  Hitler, because he was crazier than I will ever be allowed to be.  Sadaam Hussein, because he killed all of the infidels, which is something that I would like to do here in America, and finally, anyone who didn't go to college, because college brainwashes students.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Purchasing birth control pills for my wife, since she has a medical condition and needs them for her health.  But I do use my health insurance to cut down on the cost.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Talking incessantly and not knowing when to shut-up.  I usually just can't answer a question with a simple response.  I have a tendency ro go on and on, and really express my true feelings and beliefs, which makes me look ignorant.  America has a president whose theology is devilish, and colleges brain- wash students, and sometimes you have to go along with the team, even when you don't agree.  I don't know why i wear sweater-vests, but they make me look sexy.  Speaking of sex, people should only have sex when they want to have a baby.  People should home-school their children.  My grandfather was a coal miner, so I am a coal miner's son.  Believe it or not, I went to law school.  And black people shouldn't be on food stamps.  I am like Mitt Romney, I believe that corporations are people, and I don't care about the poor either.  See how I just go on and on.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Having an open mind.
On what occasion do you lie?
Whenever I am talking about President Barack Obama.
What is your greatest regret?
That I allowed Dan Savage to define my name, before I had a chance to define it.  You can visit http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/ to read how he defines me.  He is actually not very far off the mark to be honest.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Anyone who wants their country back.
Which talent would you most like to have?
The talent to lead this country as president.
What is your current state of mind?
Crazy, neurotic, psychotic....definitely in need of some medication.  Can birth control pills help me?
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Well, my wife and I have perfected the "rhythm" method pretty well, which is why we have seven children, and my wife had her last child at age 48.  Your rhythm gets better as you get older.  I know first-hand that birth control should be illegal.  Not getting pregnant is all about the rhythm and women keeping an aspirin between their knees.
What is your most treasured possession?
The keys to my daughters chastity belts.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
I can only imagine that it will be on January 21, 2013, as I sit at home and watch President Obama being inagurated for a second term.  The world will be safe for four more years.
Where would you like to live?
Now Colored Man, that is a silly question.  You know where I would like to live, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Northwest, Washington, DC.  We all have dreams, right?  Do you know any genie's that grant wishes?
What is your favorite occupation?
Being the stuff that Dan Savage said I was.  That, and being a world-class fool.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My pearly-white teeth.
Who are your favorite writers?
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.  The only book that I have read since law school, is the Bible.  All other books were written by unholy people, who are a bunch of devils.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My 3-year old daughter, Isabella, who has Edwards Syndrome, a genetic disorder that gives her about a 10% life span after one year.  When the doctors told my wife and I that our fetus had some serious problems that would be life-threatening, we chose to continue on with the pregnancy, rather then sit down like millions of American parents do everyday and make a private decision to abort the fetus.  Instead we went ahead and gave birth to a child who doesn't live the most optimal level of life.  What else could we do?  We don't believe in abortion even in the case of rape and incest.
What are your favorite names?
Barack, Michelle, Malia, and Sasha.  Oh, I almost forgot one....Bo.
If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A piece of toilet paper or tissue that would be used to clean up santorum.
What is your motto?
I got rhythm, I got rhythm, I got rhythm, who could ask for anything more.

The Show-Horse That Refuses To Jump

The Colored Man is one of those people who likes all kinds of different and unusual sporting events.  I watched all of the recent Australian Open, and will watch all of the other tennis Grand Slams that come on television.  Last week I watched an indoor track and field event.  But I really wish that the television folks would show more equestrian events-jumping, dressage, eventing.

The Colored Man has always wanted to learn how to ride a horse, and go on a fox hunt, or jump some fences, or something.  For many years I worked with kids who rode horses, some English-style, and others Western-style, and I always seemed to enjoy the English more.  I think it was the refinement and the clothes - tweed hunt-jackets and breeches, riding boots, gloves, and the handy riding crop in hand.

Horse-riding can be a dangerous sport, particularly jumping.  Remember, a spill while jumping is what landed Christopher Reeves in a wheelchair.  Now I am unsure if the horse refused to take the jump, which in horse language, is considered a balk, or whether Mr. Reeves simply lost his control of the horse and his seating and flew off the horse.  I am equally unsure why the horse balked at the jump.  Could it have been the color of the fencing, or maybe it was the unseen water on the other side of the jump.  Maybe Mr. Reeves needed to crack his crop on the horse's rump, and let the horse know that we are fully committed to this jump.  There is no turning back.  No funny business.  Whatever the reason, Superman never rode a horse again.

Many of us are like show-horses.  We've been primped and primed for performance, but when it comes time to jump the fence, we balk.  We balk at anything that takes us out of our comfort zones, that asks us to jump to an unknown landing.  Show-jumping is alot like life.  There are patterns that must be maintained, things must be completed in a timely manner, you have to listen and take directions, sometimes you have to lead, but most of all you have to be fearless.

Just like horses, some of us need to be in a constant state of tranquilization, as we feel it makes us perform better.  You also have the Olympic-level show-horse that feels it's important to always be seen and heard.  Least we forget that there is the horse that refuses to go into a traveling trailer; this is the horse that refuses to travel to other pastures and taste a different grass, sugar cube or carrot. 

Horses are considered smart animals, just like us.  But, occasionally you have the one-trick pony.  The one-trick pony is like some of us who refuse to read, watch anything educational on television, is adverse to the arts, music, culture or anything that will bring knowledge to us, and give us inspiration to jump the fence.  Some of us are afraid of being the only show-horse in a pasture of nags, therefore, we don't do things in life because we are afraid of being lonely, and standing out in the crowd.

The bronco-type horse is the horse that is constantly fighting and complaining, hating life, and never, ever happy.  Another type of horse is the selfish horse, who balks at sharing their gifts with others-If you ain't beggin', they ain't givin'.  One final horse is the my-shit-don't-stink horse - this is the horse who thinks that they are God's gift to mankind, womankind and the horse world.

The Colored Man recognizes himself in several of these show-horses, but one thing that I can tell you is that I don't balk when it comes to a jump.  I am all about standing out in a crowd, being the only one in the group, jumping into unknown pastures and tasting life.  I approach the obstacle and do my best to sail through and land upright.  There have been times that I have jumped and had to stop in mid-air, and times that I have jumped and then wished that I hadn't.

Be warned!!!  The Colored Man is ready for the show ring.  I am ready for a good dressage competition - LIFE!!!, and I don't need to be whacked with the riding crop to get going.  Are you ready?

Tally-Ho!!!!

Liar, Liar, Jan Brewer is on Fire!!!

I know!, I know!!, I know!!!!  The Colored Man has been absent for awhile and you all have missed him.  And guess what? I have missed you all too.  But I have really been focusing on work, and really haven't had anything to write about.  That is until I saw the picture of Jan Brewer, the governor of Arizona, pointing her bony-ass finger into the face of President Obama.

Ms. Brewer arrived at the tarmac in Arizona on a mission to supposedly welcome the President to her state, but in actually she arrived looking for a fight, because in her hand was a hand-addressed letter to the President.  I don't know what exactly was written in the letter, but knowing Ms. Brewer from her past, it was probably filled with her diatribe about immigration and undocumented residents in Arizona.  The boney-fingered Nazi attempted to "play" the President in a public manner before cameras and media outlets, and ended up pointing her finger in the President's face.  Of course the next day, she retreated to the old "black men scare me" mentality and claimed that she felt intimitated by the President, and was afraid of what he might do.  In actuality the President should have stuffed her finger down her throat and chocked that heifer.  But the Colored Man has a little street in him, while the President is pure 100% class and sophistication.

Why is it that our European-American sisters and brothers are always afraid of men of color?  I can't tell you the number of times that I have walked into an office building or a school for a meeting, and had the troops come out from all directions to ask what I wanted.  I mean, they will come out of their offices and be waiting to greet me at the door, before I even make it to the secretary or receptionist.  Oh, and what really gets me, is when I am in the supermarket walking down an aisle, and there are some little European kids in the aisle.  Their mother's will look up, and see me, and immediately tell their little babies to come here.  I get so tired of my fellow American's staring, and clutching when I walk into a room.  It has gotten to the point, that my response depends on their attitudes towards me....if it is funky, then mine is even funkier, and I have noticed that when you get a little assertive with their asses, they have a tendency to change their attitudes and aggressive behavior rather quickly.

Now back to Ms. Brewer....she is just the latest racist who deems it her obligated duty to be disrespectful to the President.  Whether it's yelling "you lie" during the State of The Union address, or rejecting an invitation to dinner at the White House, or, speaking meanfully about the First Lady and the First Daughters, or consistently referring to him as Obama versus President Obama, or calling him the "food-stamp President," or painting a crayola picture of him as "un-American, socialist, Muslim, aloof, not an American citizen....  it's never-ending the disrespect that this president has had to endure, and it is time for it to stop.  You may not like President Obama, but the office that he holds deserves the upmost respect from one and all.  But then again, this is our first black president, and some people refuse to accept the fact that he is the most powerful man in the world.  Yes, a black man who is the most powerful man in the world!!!!!!!!!  Yes, a black man who is a graduate of one of the most prestigious law schools in the world, Harvard, and who was elected president of the Harvard Law Review.  Yes, a black man who eats, sleeps and sits in a house that was built by slave labor, and hosts dignitaries from around the world in the Oval Office.

A week later, Ms. Brewer has changed her story, but only after much condemnation and the fact that the two Republican mayors who accompanied her, did not support her story, or rather her lie.  Now she claims the she wanted to discuss Arizona's economic uptick, while the President wanted to talk about the book that she wrote.  Trust me, the President is not concerned about her piece of nothing-ness, the she supposedly wrote.

But it seems that Arizona's home-dyed blonde governor, has a taste for lying.  Her lastest is that her father died in WWII, when in fact, he died 10 years ago from cancer.  Further, she told one story to the press about her meeting with the President last year at the White House, but tells a completely different story in her book.  The lesson here is that if she would lie about her father, then you know she will lie about President Obama.

And one more thing....Mitt Romney has a law degree, and Newt Gingrich has a Ph.d, but no one has asked to see their grades, while President Obama is constantly berated for not releasing his grade reports.  Oh, but I forgot, Newt and Mitt are white men who have carte blanche - anything and everything that they do and say is accepted as gospel, while President Obama, a man of color, has to constantly prove, re-prove, and be approved.

The only advice that the Colored Man can give anybody is to stand up for yourself, and show them some teeth as my friend JB always says.  Just as importantly, is start to use your economic power to let people know who is in charge, which means NO vacations in Arizona.  Finally and most importantly, vote in November.

It also might be a good idea to carry a bucket of water, just in case you need to put out the fire of some liar.